Shoe Me This

UGHly Shoes: Jessica Alba wears Steve Madden Gladiator Sandal

Oh no! Jessica Alba, you are adorable. I loved you in Sin City and still want to wear bangs whenever I watch that movie... and learn to handle a lasso. But what in the world appealed to you with that mess from Steve Madden?

Introducing the Steve Madden Hippster Gladiator Sandal -- priced around $80.00.

First of all, I cannot stand the gladiator sandal. Ever since 300 came out, designers have been shoving the gladiator look down our throats and onto the shelves. Here's a history flash for ladies wearing thick and bulky gladiator sandals: gladiators were dudes. There is nothing feminine about the look. I'm not saying one must look feminine at all times, but I do suggest finding shoes that are at least flattering if you are going to put your credit card balance on the line.

On the upside about the Steve Madden Hippster, the gladiator look is down played by the layers of suede fringe... oh wait, I hate fringe on sandals too!

Which brings me to point number two: I'm not loving this fringe + suede + sandal thing. Even Vogue applauds this is sort of thing as a "must have." Remember the Chinese Laundry Fringe Flat nightmare?

UGHly Shoes: Sarah Jessica Parker in Camel Toe Boots

It pains me greatly to see Sarah Jessica Parker in UGHly shoes... but she has been known to wear some. I don't know how I overlooked the cloven hoof faux pas back in February. These boots are truly hideous. They make her look deformed and give new meaning to the phrase "camel toe."

What are they? A vision (nightmare) from Martin Margiela split toe booties.

Even if one tries too approach the boot as a work of art, what is the theme behind the cork heel? It's like the Martin Margiela got lazy and decided the whole look is a joke.

UGHly Shoes: Fringe Flat Sandals by Chinese Laundry

 

Yikes! This strange sandal from Chinese Laundry makes my eyes hurt. Called the Scarlett Sandal, the open-toe thong seems normal for summer... but then you look toward sculpted heal and there you see this awkwardly placed fringe ankle strap. It reminds me of a lamp shade from the 70's or a cowgirl who got lost on they way to the beach.

UPDATE: Vogue included the Chinese Laundry Scarlett Sandal on their "Most Wanted" list for March 5th which was compiled by Meredith Melling Burke. You can check that out here (thanks to ShoeMeThis blog reader Marley). While I completely disagree with Vogue's selection, it goes to show style is anyone's interpretation. If you own this pair, I'd love to see it actually on someone with a fun outfit. Maybe it looks better as a full ensemble! Send your pics to shoemethis@gmail.com

UGHly Shoes: Irregular Choice Take A Bow Heel

Let me start by saying that I am an Irregular Choice fan. While I adore their quirky style, I don't care for their "Take A Bow" heel. The velvet bow drives me nuts.

Normally, I also get a kick out of the cartoonish soles but the ice cream on a red background is too far of a  departure from the rest of the shoe.

In short, Take A Bow looks like something Barbie would wear if she were selling Mary Kay.

UGly Shoes: Jessica Simpson Percey

The devil is in the details. Change your color scheme on a pair of shoes and you change the entire looks. Take Jessica Simpson's Percey heel as an example. The purple and white looks like something  that the Misfits from Jem would wear.

Now look at the shoes in solid tan... The look is chic and casual.

UGHly Shoes: Fishbones & Giuseppe Zanotti

I'm a girl who loves sushi but I would never want to wear the remains of my salmon roll. Why Giuseppe Zanotti thinks anyone would is beyond me.

While I don't find these "creepy" like the bloggers at The Fashion Police, I don't find them stylish either. To me, these say the designer was inspired by the contents of a garbage can. 

I do admit that I like skulls and crossbones but I get such fashion where it's cheap, like Target. But this Giuseppe Zanotti shoes are $995 at Zappos Couture. These shoes make me scratch my head and wonder who has the money to spend on such bizarre fashion.

UGHly Shoes: Heel-less Heels

I first spotted these odd shoes on who other than Victoria Beckham, the queen of impractical ready-to-wear. You'll find this type of S&M inspired fashion from designers like Antonio Berardi.

These shoes look like pure torture to me. Do you see how this poor girl's foot is contorted inside the shoe? Am I the only one that thinks of Chinese foot binding practices when looking at these heels?

I have yet to find a pair in a store but I promise to attempt walking in them when I do finally spot a pair.

You're probably wondering how it's even possible to walk in heel that offer no heel at all. According to blog post on The Cut, Hadley Freeman of the Guardian describe it as follows:
I think the trick is that the shoes are extremely heavy, because they are deliberately weighted in the platform base under the toe. This means that all your weight is forced forwards and then downwards, so you literally cannot tip backwards and there isn't any of that teeter-totter nonsense you get with normal heels.

Hopefully desigers will give up on this craziness and start working on shoes that a woman would actually be able to wear without looking stupid.

Rainy Days Part 1: UGHly Rain Boots

The rainy season is always frustrating for me. No open-toed shoes unless you like muddy feet. The silver lining in the looming gray clouds are the numerous pairs of cute rain boots! But I'm not focusing on the adorable must-have's today. Most rubber or vinyl boots take the gaudy approach. Here are some gaudy, "ughly," and bizarre rain boots from across the Internet.

Here's an alternative to rain boots: Trash Bags. Yes, some sites recommend special trash bags over your shoes. (Yuck!)  This is actually called an Anti-Dampness Rain Boot and is made by ShoesRain. I thought this site was a joke at first. Sadly, it's a real product. I think I'll take a cab when it rains rather than wearing these and looking like a radioactive garbage bag.

I am not a Burberry fan. The scarfs are okay but it seems like you can buy anything in this pattern, including galoshes and matching umbrellas. It looks like a Scotsman just made shoes out of his dirty kilt... It's not a classic look, ladies. It's obsessive. Not my style.

Another thing that is not my style is logo-overload. While I am an ardent Coach fan, I like their designs best when their logo is held at a minimum or used in an unusual manner. I don't like being a slave to logos. I found this photo on a great blog called I Am Fashion. While this post is a few years old, there are several items that I think are perfect for the rainy season this year... just not this particular pair.

Now for the crazy shoes. I'd love to see someone actually wearing umbrellas on their shoes in real life. I would have a great laugh.I wonder if you can wear these inside without bringing about bad luck.

UGHly Shoes: Posh's Metalic Platform Heels

Victoria Beckham is the darling of fashion news. Everyone wants to know what she's wearing and then copy her without thinking about style on their own. Here's one pair of shoes to avoid stealing from Posh's closet: metallic stiletto platforms. I can't believe anyone would wear these to a mall but VB did! These would be better suited for a strip bar than a shopping trip.

 

So if you are not a stripper, what would one pair with these shoes? Evidently, the correct answer is a really short orange dress. I'd be wearing a cast after twisting my ankle!

I don't care for her outfit here in general... Except for the sunglasses. I'm a fan of big sunglasses and have been wearing over-sized lenses for years

 

UGHly Shoes: Patriotic Boots... Stripper or Wonder Woman?

It's finally here: Election 2008! Regardless of your party, we will all hear about the love of country and the glories of being an American between now and November.

In honor of our American heritage, some shoe designers get a little crazy. I couldn't quite laugh out loud when I stumbled upon this pair of patriotic platform boots. Mainly, I scratched my head. Stripper or Wonder Woman?

The heel is 5" and chunky to provide extra support -- which our nation needs! The platform and lace-ups look like they'd scare even Osama bin Laden.

If I had $52.00 to waste, I'd consider buying them as a joke to wear on election day... Speaking of which, am I the only one who'd love to see either Sarah Palin or Michelle Obama at the voting booth in this pair of shoes?